Day 6: Heavy Petting or Mental Delusion?

Day 6

Woke up to some bad news on Saturday morning, but also knew that there was some god news in the shape of the Worlds Largest Man Charlie Dawson coming to pay me and Dean a visit up in Lancaster
he wasted no time finding something to fit his interests.

Off to the pub then to await further instructions...

On Day 6 Astrologer 4 Jonathan Cainer said:

Take a breath and focus

I did this several times during the day and I guess it kind of focused me

Astrologer 8 Patrick Arundell said

Make a list

Well I'd already made a list of all my horoscopes instructions this morning so well ill check that of my list then

Astrologer 10 Russel Grant said

Be careful shopping today

There appeared to be a market on in Lancaster today so we went off to that, we were so careful shopping that Charlie managed to get us into a museum to look at, among other things, a wooden chair.

With that done it was off for some pool

Following this we went back to Deano's to try out one of the things he did buy ...Tiger Woods. Charlie not being a usual fan of sport but accepting "you can't get away from it" decided to join in if he could find some kind of killer robot character to use, he was in luck ... sort of

Raczilla

Raczilla a man dressed in a Rabbit costume, was he a killer rabbit? no probably except for the time Charlie purposely aimed his shot at those people sitting in the stand, someone may have been hurt then.

Astrologer 8 Patrick Arundell said

Go stargazing tonight

Good job I was in Lancaster then, back we went to the pub and who did we spot but the star of such great TV shows as Cheers, Becker and CSI and films such as Three men and a baby and Three men and a little lady

Who doesn't love Ted Danson, apart from your guy from Curb your Enthusiasm of course I want to go watch some cheers right now Woody Harrelson is pretty cool too

For more Ted Danson click here

It was time to bid Charlie a fond farewell and wish him success in his future endevours, bye charlie

Well we are almost a week through the experiment and Its been an interesting first week, I'll see you for day 7

TTFN

Day 5: Oppa Gangnam Kyle

Day 5

Ok ok ok I've got really far behind so I need to bash some of these out quickly

Day 5 Friday saw me on my way to Manchester, and then on a train to Lancaster

Lancaster

No that's not right ...

Lancaster

That's better.

Alright Beers bought, Fifa on, it was time to check the web for further direction

On Day 5, Astrologer 2 Da Juana Byrd said:

You call the shots

 Shots! Shots! Shots! So we're off on a pub crawl lads and I'm telling you what shots we have ... will it be Samuel Bucca? Tequila maybe? hmmm time will tell

 

Astrologer 14, WebWombat said:

Auspicious colours are Russet and Blue Velvet

Ok so I asked the barmaid if she had any drinks with those colours in them but that was to no avail so I was scratching my head when I noticed this guy standing next to me

I'd deam that a Russet Coat

 Astrologer 9 Rick Levine said

Find an expert in the field of Dance, a writer or a philosopher

This guy looked just the type, surely with a coat like that he was some type of writer ... yes?
Unfortunately no, he delivered beer, and drank quite a large amount of it too, he accused me of having the blarney, but was nonetheless amused by my stories he left after a while and so did we, I had one final astrological demand to follow

Astrologer 14 WebWombat said

Lucky numbers are 9 and 15

Too the bookies, it just so happened that Crystal Palace were playing Brighton, so I got Dean to scour the teamsheets to see if there was a number nine or fifteen playing for either side ... there was one

Mile Jedinak number 15 for Crystal Palace, naturally i put £9 on him to score first

He didn't

Still a fun night was had topped of when I did find a man who said he had written something once and then sang a song about it

It's pretty red there isn't it ... ambient anyway tomorrow is another day and with it comes Charlie Dawson 

TTFN

Day 4 - handing out the compliments

Day 4

Thursday

Thursday already, the 9th of May, this day last year United States President, Barack Obama, officially stated his support for same sex marriage. Today is Andrew W.K.'s 34th birthday and Vidal Sassoon's 1st anniversary. I don't know what I was doing, probably at work talking to Americans about their insurance, what a difference a year makes eh?
Oh and welcome to David Moyes

On Day 4 Astrologer #8 Patrick Arundell said:

You might also want to firm up on travel plans. 

I did have travel plans yes, tomorrow I was embarking upon Manchester, an invite from a friend and a cousin earlier in the week I decided that it was something I should do, if only to keep my mind of other things. I was off to the town to check that my details had been confirmed and I printed out my boarding passes, not thinking this would be where I would be flying a week back, a week is a long time in politics and football they say, its a long time in my life these days too.

anyway you'll hear more about that tomorrow I guess

Astrologer #6 Marjorie Orr said

keep handing out the compliments.

Hello Reader you intelligent and attractive person you, nice shirt dad, Has your acne got better Mark? Is that a new jumper Mary? yeahhhhh complimenting people is fun, I noticed some space on the library noticeboard, an idea hatched in my mind

 Compliments handed out today was proving fruitful


Astrologer 14 webwombat.com said

 Find time to stay close to what you really feel today

How did I feel today, it was an an ever changing pallet of emotions, sometimes hope, tinged with a minor excitedness, other times dejection with a healthy amount of helplessness ladled on :/ Yesterday I mentioned I hadn't watched How I Met Your Mother or Community recently so I caught up on both and afterwards I felt O...wait for it...K.

Astrologer 4 Jonathan Cainer said:

Maybe its time for a new look

 Very true Jonathan very true, so before leaving the town I travelled up to Paul the barber and told him to give me a new look, he basically cut my hair, some people said it looks good, The irony is never lost on me that the guy who cuts my hair is bald, he may be good on the bodhran and the banjo but he still combs his hair with a washrag

Well a much smaller blog today as I continue to finalise the format but tomorrow night i shall be blogging or maybe even vlogging from a different country so in the mean time

Good Night
I Love You
Sweet Dreams

Day 3: Enjoy the Silence

Day 3

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Hello Peeps. Your Master of the dark arts Hardcore back again, 3 is the lucky number and today was just that day 3 of 40. What did I get up to today you hark, we'll I awoke to the second worst news I had gotten this week, the great man Sir Alex Ferguson was retiring from Manchester United after 26 years in charge, that's longer than I've even been alive, what a hero he is

anyway lets crack on shall we

 
On day 3 Astrologer #6 Marjorie Orr said:

Try not to come across as being too pushy and make an effort to listen to other people.

OK got it who's got something to say, I dandered about the house, Mark was at school and me da was up a hill somewhere with a tin of harp. Whats new Mary? "Cooking, cleaning and ironing" nice what a rockstar she is it reminds me of a video i made of her, that i might put up tomorrow

Astrologer #7 Mystic Meg said:

Your fact-finding skills are superior, putting you in a strong position in any negotiations.

OK my fact finding skills, what facts do I know ... diet coke as a mixer gets you more blootered than regular coke ... There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos ... There is one slot machine in Las Vegas for every eight inhabitants ... John Terry is a cunt. I decided that these would help me negotiate a contract with Manchester United so I emailed David May my CV with these at the bottom i think hes davidmay@manchesterunited.com yeah? He's a good lad he won't use my CV as his own, I mean if i can get Peterborough to win 6 straight league seasons United will be a dander, I wonder if Paul Ince fancies being my assistant.

Astrologer 10 Russell Grant said:

Bake a cake

Russell you old dog I've never baked a cake in my life did i have the right ingredients, "Mary can I bake a cake?" "No" Damn it well that wasn't going to put me off Mary had made some buns earlier this week maybe i could fashion them into a cake and then ... bake it? Yeah lets try that add a little butter wheres that cake tray nice in the oven for a few minutes, i really should have videoed myself doing it, I really should have opened the door when I saw the smoke and I really shouldn't have fed it too the dog.

Astrologer # 2 Juan Veron said

you may find you are managing or supervising others. At least that opportunity will be opened to you.

Well it looked like I was taking my cousin Claire up on her offer to head down for dinner, during which time I could supervise her son and his pet lizard type thing. Alrighty then I was in the car and on my way to Sion Mills I sure had to travel about for this experiment, I arrived and was greeted by the goonies, they were on TV not actually in the house... in all my years I had never seen the goonies so I happily sat and watched that while sipping on a cuppa, God I love Tea, I also love Mr T. especially when he was Clubber Lang in the Rocky films well just the one Rocky film ... Rocky III was it? My friend Kieran has Tommy Gunn jacket, he doesn't box in it though, mostly just plays darts.

Wee Jude

Astrologer # 10 Russell Grant said

Try to take a walk outside each day

In Sion Mills I had spent manys a weekend of my childhood and I had one favourite place a place I hadn't been in several years, a place I was planning on taking a certain someone this summer, THE SWINGING BRIDGE. The weather had picked up so out I headed on my pilgrimage to that promised land of childhood wonder, flanked by my cousin and the ever excitable Jude we made the short walk to the structure.

Magical

I really got to stop using 14 megapixels when taking photos for this blog it takes 10 mins to upload one, my clock stopped working recently i should get a new battery, my other clock was set on Mountain time I haven't got round to changing it yet, maybe one day. Anyway the swinging bridge is always good for a bit off a bounce

I've got pretty far behind on Community and How I Met Your Mother and I'm undecided on whether to watch my new favourite Bar Rescue when it returns in the summer, it came highly recommended to me and I pass them recommendations on to you, dear reader. Well we walked about the woodland beside the bridge and on up the river, it brought back happy memories for me, this blog is far too wistful at the minute isn't it, I think wistful is one of my all time favourite words, say it with me ... wistful. Some people don't like the word "moist"

 
Astrologer #11 Horescopes.co.uk said:

Relax, make yourself some tea, and enjoy the silence.

Right I'll put the kettle on then

Astrologer #4 Kelli Fox said:

It may be necessary to delegate a few minor tasks to someone else so you can regain your focus.

 "Mary make us a cup of tea please"

Sorted!

Right lads and lasses Uncle Hardcore's off to be to catch up on some much needed beauty sleep so in the meantime.

Good Night
I love you
Sweet Dreams

Day 2: Take Good Care of Your Health

Day 2

This is the subheading

Whatsup my peeps!
Its your bastion of the astrological arts back with another instalment of your much loved Important Astrology Experiment.

I am no closer to defining a format for this but Lowry says to use more subheadings (see above) and commas, so I put one after the word comma there for the craic. Check his blog out here

On Day 2 Astrologer #10 Russell Grant said:

Take good care of your Health

A reasonable thing to kick the day of with I therefore proceeded to take care of my old buddy:

Ryan Johnston = Health

Easy peasy Health had been taken good care of.

Astrologer #3 Jonathan Cainer said

We all get hungry. We all get thirsty. We all get tired. And we all, sooner or later, one way or another, deal with these physical needs

Well it was no secret I hadn't been eating well recently I don't really deal well with shock I guess, but I am surrendering myself to the whims of these experts ...

Astrologer # 10 Russell Grant added

It's also important to get enough sleep. If you have to take a power nap, do it

Well that's that decided then eat, drink, sleep, chew Wrigley's

Well with that out of the way what had the universe in store for me next?

Astrologer #2 who has a crazy name so I'm gonna say Juan Veron said:

You are apt to obtain success financially through the power of attraction.

OK so my attractiveness can get me financial gain, this was something I always knew to be true but I'd never tested it out, but now was my chance ... To eBay!!!

Yeah boiiiiiiii that should make me a few quid so If anybody wants to avail of this amazing offer to give me money in return for eternal attractiveness visit the link below:
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=111068975455

This was more like it after the -£60 from yesterday I'm due to start getting some financial gain from this.

Here's another Subheading

 Alot of times when something bad happens to you it feels like the end of the world, but when you truly think about it there's quite a few people who are alot worse of than you, like this dude:

I've been trying really hard to think of a good Jimmy Tarbuck joke.

But he didn't have any.

Astrologer #8 Patrick Arundell said:

Move out of your comfort zone and you may get lucky

I walked about trying to find the least comfortable place i could in the house, this resulted in me hoisting myself to the highest point in the kitchen, well time to test my luck then 15 quid on Sao Bernardo to win at 7/4 I remained up there waiting for the match to run its course, for now here's me atop my lofty perch

Well Sao Bernardo forced me to sit up there for 50 mins only to lose so another £15 quid in the red.
With all these celebrities getting arrested for child molestation, it almost makes me wonder if Gary Glitter did have a gang.

Astrologer #8 Patrick Arundell also said:

If a proposal sounds like fun, just sign up for it.

 It so happened I spotted the most amazing advert at that precise moment "Are you Britain's most German looking man?" I thought about it for a few minutes, was I Britain's most German looking man? I tried to remember what i looked like and decided that yes I could pass for a German. Imagine I got the job ... I presume some of the girls would swoon. God, it'd be brilliant being Britain's Most German looking man. I have left a message and look forward to their reply.

Astrologer # 10 Russell Grant said

Are you unemployed? Send out a slew of CV's and emphasise your technical skills.

I got on it like a car bonnet, CV sent here CV sent there, wait, my technical skills have i emphasised them enough ... damn, what technical skills do I have? Inventor of Beer Pongs revolutionary side-swinger technique that led to me being described as the John McEnroe of the Pong world, Yeah that's pretty technical, maybe I shouldn't mention my Career break in 2009 to renovate my horse mind, Web Design that looks fun especially now they know can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet. Sorted I look forward to their reply as well of course If i get the Britain's Most German looking man job what would I do then? Walk into the office and throw down my keys; "see ya later I'm off to be Britain's most German looking man" What a crazy life!

Astrologer #4 Kelli Fox said:

Today, your natural flexibility will come in handy.

It takes me 3 hours or so to write these blogs so I really need to plan better during the days and not write on my own esteem. GIFS are cool, here have another

Right lets wrap this day up then

Astrologer #6 Marjorie Orr said

Watch a tendency to be intense

 Never heard of this one Marjorie I'll be honest and IMDB were of no help to me either so i took to youtube it also gave me nothing so I decided to watch the top result which was this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOdzUMllr8I

It reminded me off that video Stoodge tried to get viral after finding a horse for sale when trying to watch Acid Metal or something, you can see that video here

Astrologer #8 Patrick Arundell said

A major focus on travel and exploration suggests that it's time to expand your horizons.

 No second guessing need there I was out the door and on the highway to exploration, which I would show you picture of but my camera has died (I charged it so here you go)

Well I went to the crossroads sight of alot of youthful banter, fights and generally fun. I sat in a spot I hadn't sat in since the previous summer, this time however I was sitting there alone ... I took a picture for old times sake.

I couldn't sit for any longer I forced myself to continue my exploration so I climbed the long and winding road to the TV Mast, one of the largest free-standing structures in Ireland or Britain ... I read that in a book ... somewhere. I decided as I'd got that far I'd continue by travelling along the road til I got to a friends house where we reminisced about school and the time they lost their brothers prize parakeet. We laughed about the time Seamus Mossey tried to burn his homework and John O'Donnell hiding in Miss McQuillans car while ripping up her photocopied school work. Before i ventured back home we told Kieran's dad about the time Kieran had included him in one of his stories:
"This guy here's been in Jail"
"Is that right?"
"Aye, I raped me Da!"
Kieran's dad thought this was hilarious so did everyone else, isn't life funny! He gives some great advice that man and I enjoyed listening to his stories so as I left I promised I'd return in the near future to hear more.

Well guys it took me the best part of 3 hours to write, it will take you 3 minutes to read this is alot of work but eventually it will yield a high reward so until tomorrow

Good Night
I Love you
Sweet Dreams 

Day 1 - Embrace the Unknown

Day 1
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It may take me a while to get the formatting sorted on this blog so give it a few posts peeps.

Alrighty then, Day 1 of this exciting astrology experiment how will I end up eh?
I hope you all read the first post so you know whats going down but anyway to refresh your memory I'm blogging and maybe even vlogging if I'm bored enough about my astrology experiment and I'll judge the results in 3 categories  love, health and wealth. 

Not This Kind Of Health

Ok so Day 1 lets be having you

On Day 1 Astrologer 5 Kelli Fox said

If you're ever likely to be impulsive it's today.

Impulsive? Hmmm I didn't have any impulses, I hadn't got much sleep last night maybe I could impulsively go back to sleep, that wouldn't make for a good blog or experiment would it tho

Astrologer 1 said

You want a break from your usual routine and certain aspects of your life you want to experiment and be spontaneous.

Well that was definitely sleep out of the question then, I decided to look at my recent Monday routine. Mondays for me had been good days wake up normally in the afternoons and play candy crush saga until my significant other awoke and we would skype for a few hours. Then I'd try to unlock achievements for playing Bowls or that fucking Fanorana in Assassins Creed. To top this off I'd settle in for some man slamming action in Monday Night Raw.

David Bonner loves Triple H's supple body

 So a clean break from all of that stuff then, I still wasn't sure what to do though...

Astrologer 11 said

A competitive spirit arises within you today.

I was competitive most days whether playing monopoly with my brother or golf with Laurie Smyth. WAIT A MINUTE ... Golf!!! that was it, I hadn't played golf in months, but my usual playing partner lives in Cheltenham or is it Chichester ... nope ... got it Carlisle right now and i don't think i could get flights that quickly so think Ryan think ... Bonner off course! East Belfast's answer to Nick Faldo and the Ryder Cup of Beer Pongs worst ever captain, he's always in the mood for golf.

Darren McCaffrey, David Bonner and Gooch McGinley

I picked up my phone... dead!

Astrologer 10 Russell Grant said

technological breakdowns will wreak havoc with your life at this time, keep your mobile charged

Cheers for the heads up Russ so I jammed the charger into my retro but perfect working condition samsung flip-phone and on she popped

Ring Ring Ring Ring
Bonner: Hello
Hardcore: Golf?
Bonner: When?
Hardcore: Today?
Bonner: Sure!

Sorted! I jumped out of bed and was gathering my gear. And I was ready for my trip to Belfast.

Astrologer 12 said

Stay aware of your personal presentation

Ah good point golfing etiquette and attire must always be adhered too so on went the trousers and polo shirt, out came the golf shoes and a single golfing glove

Michael you're doing it wrong

... and i was out the door, better check bonner can give me a lift ... that's odd whys my phone switched off ... there we go ... yep Bonner could pick me up and had been joined at short notice by ex-Sheffield Wednesday's Richard Hinds

Richard iz zee best

So I spent the bus ride pondering what the other astrologers plans were for me in the coming days well this was already me in the red money wise and the experiment was only 12 hours old. As i approached Belfast I took my phone out to text bonner again ... once more it was off, this was starting to freak me out already, Russell Grant seemed to be on the money today.

Golf sure took a long time and I spent most of the day in the sand or in the drink but we did get to drive buggies around

Golf took us four hours and this blog is getting tedious at the minute so i have to find a way to structure it better so here's another photo

With Golf out of the way It was decided to have some food in the clubhouse my mood had perked up as I actually ordered and ate my first proper meal in 3 days however there was a new problem now I was running it tight for my train home we eventually got Hinds removed from the clubhouse but then he barrelled into a shop for more snacks meaning id have to fairly leg it to catch my train I arrived at Central station just as the train was leaving and cursing my continued bad luck headed to Great Victoria Street where i found out I had just missed the 9:30pm bus asking a passerby if there were anymore buses to Derry resulted in him running away and not returning, however two member of staff informed me of someone who was heading to Derry at that very minute

Astrologer 9 Rick Levine said

Embrace the unknown

I decided this was gonna be my best chance of getting home for the end of day 1 so i hopped in, we got talking about my recent bad luck and it was this point that a car veered out and nearly hit us this shook my Derry bound friend and he didn't say much after that, a little further down the road the same thing happened causing my personal chauffeur to get increasingly worried that my bad luck was to get us killed but eventually we made it too Derry he dropped me off and 30 mins later here i am at the end of day 1 and what a day it was I'm running on empty now so its time for me to sign off.

Good Night
I Love you
Sweet Dreams

Hardcore's Important Astrology Experiment

Every day millions of people consult their horoscope and yet the world of science has not been brave enough to answer this question. Until now.

For forty days and forty nights I will give up my normal life and submit to the will of 10 astrologers.
My task: to follow their advice. To ignore speculation, prediction and guesswork but at all times to follow instructions and pursue luck.

The horoscopes are written by 10 astrologers. All are widely available, all are widely read. they are all just genuine horoscopes that are available to anyone, either in newspapers or on websites.

I will choose  one piece of clear advice each day to follow.

The Ten Astrologers are:
Xstrology.com
Da Juana Byrd
Jonathan Cainer
Jennifer Angel
Kelli Fox
Marjorie Orr
Mystic Meg
Patrick Arundell
Rick Levine
Russel Grant